You’ve tried to forget it, yet you keep replaying that last argument over and over again in your mind. You both said things you shouldn’t have said, yet you each had points that were valid; so once you both managed to calm down, you were able to reach the mutual conclusion that your relationship, in the long run, just wasn’t going to work.
Weeks later, your brain is telling you that you did the right thing, and that your breakup was truly for the best; but as you contemplate the notion of going to bed alone each night and waking up on your own every morning, you can’t help but let your emotions cause you to question your actions. Perhaps you could’ve compromised on the whole having children dilemma; and maybe you were out of line when you suggested that your partner check in with you nightly, even when he was out with the boys.
While it’s natural to question the way you handled a past relationship and find yourself missing the person who was once a big part of your life, such behavior is not likely to help you in the long run. According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, fixating on a breakup is only going to bring you further away from the point at which you want to be: in a healthy relationship with a person who loves you, respects you, and wants to share a life with you.
Of course, getting over a breakup is easier said than done. Though Connie is an optimist at heart, he’s also a realist and therefore recognizes the fact that moving past a relationship is rarely a simple matter of snapping one’s fingers and having old feelings disappear. Still, Connie likes to encourage anyone dealing with a breakup to try to make the most of it.
How can you turn a breakup into a positive event in your life? It’s simple: By using an ended relationship as an opportunity to understand what you truly want out of a partner, you can easily turn a negative experience into, at the very least, an educational opportunity. Clearly, there’s a reason (or in most cases, multiple reasons) why you and your partner decided to call it quits, so rather than focus on how much you miss the person you used to date, devise a strategy for going out there and finding someone better to take his place.
Furthermore, you should use your breakup as a means of reevaluating what you do and do not want out of a relationship. Instead of harping on the negative – namely, the fact that you’re now alone, try to figure out what about this most recent relationship actually worked. What were the positive aspects of your mate that you’d want a future partner to emulate? What were the negative qualities that you now know you truly can’t tolerate? And what did your last relationship teach you about yourself?
When examining your recently ended relationship, approach it in a manner that focuses more so on the future, and less so on the past. And as you embark on your search for a new person in your life to replace your recent partner, remind yourself that it’s better to spend some time on your own than to choose the wrong person and wind up in the same breakup situation all over again a few months down the line.
Although Connie tends to advise people to center their thoughts on the positive aspects of life, when dealing with a breakup, it’s also okay to remind yourself of the negative aspects of your relationship – provided, of course, that you’re doing so as a means of moving forward. In fact, when it comes to the aspects of your last relationship that didn’t work, ask yourself: Am I willing to change things about myself to avoid having these issues become a problem in a future relationship? If the answer is yes, then more power to you; and if the answer is no, then realize that there’s nothing wrong with standing firm on who you are. It’s true that relationships are all about compromise, but there’s a difference between being accommodating and altering your values, beliefs, and core personality just to be with someone specific. On a short-term basis, the company might make you happy, but in the long run, if you sacrifice too much of what makes you who you are, then you’re not likely to end up satisfied with your relationship down the line.
Getting over a past relationship isn’t easy, but the right attitude can turn those post-breakup weeks into a period of positivity and self-discovery. And with any luck, the lessons you take away from your recent experience will be ones that help you find that person who’s truly right for you.
