As Linda James, M.Ed., M.S, a marriage and family therapist in Seattle, explains, a major part of marriage counseling is bringing your therapist into your marriage. This can be difficult for a lot of couples who may be apprehensive about opening up to a stranger, or are just uncomfortable expressing their feelings in general. There are a number of techniques that therapists use to help relax their clients, make therapy seem more enjoyable, and start the communication process. In her marriage counseling sessions, James has two methods she uses with most of her couples to break the tension and get them talking not only to her, but to one another as well.
Movie Scene
When James first meets with a couple, she asks them to play out the following scenario for her. Choose your favorite actor or actress, or one that you feel best illustrates you, and describe a scene from your life. It may seem a little odd at first, explains James, but soon you will find that by putting the actor in place of yourself, you are able to describe your feelings and concerns more freely. This also allows your therapist to find out a little more about you as well. Is the scene you are describing light and fun, or does it have more of a serious tone? From the scene you choose to portray, you and your spouse can then continue the session by addressing the concerns that were brought up.
Paper Cup
Another technique that James uses, that she has found to be beneficial for couples, is the paper cup exercise. At the beginning of the session, James presents each partner with his own paper cup. She then fills the each perspective cup with water. The full cup represents your state of being when you are feeling happy, energized and complete. She then asks that you describe things in your life that upset you and are sources of stress. These stressors usually range from family problems, to bills and arguments. For each thing that is listed, James proceeds to poke a hole in the cup. Soon the liquid begins to drain and the cup is emptied. This is done to signify that the more stress you add to your life, the less happy you will be.
After noticing how quickly your cup can be emptied, James works to address the things in life that add to your happiness and thus fill your cup. It is important, she stresses, to know what you can do to make yourself happy. Stop worrying about the needs of others for a moment and focus on your own desires, she says. As you begin to name the things that you enjoy, like reading, meditating or doing crafts, James begins to fill a new cup. Once the new cup is almost completely filled, James asks you to stop. The little room that is left near the top of the cup, James explains, is what other people should add to your happiness.
The point of this exercise is to reinforce the idea that even though you are part of a married couple, that doesn’t mean you should have to give up what makes you happy. Being in a relationship isn’t enough to keep your cup filled, explains James. While your spouse and friends can of course add to your enjoyment in life, never forget to make time for yourself.
