For many, marriage is a pinnacle milestone in their life. Finding that special someone to love” till death do you part” and sharing a life with them. What many people don’t realize, or choose not to believe before they take that walk down the aisle, is that marriage is hard work. Unfortunately love, on its own, doesn’t make a marriage last.
As a marriage and family therapist in Seattle, Linda James, M. Ed, MS, has met with dozens of couples who have come to her looking to save their marriages. Here, she shares why, at times, marriage can seem so hard:
We take things for granted: When we are young, we think we are invincible, explains James, and that things will be different for us. You may know lots of older couples who have gotten divorced, but you think that your love is stronger than theirs, and that divorce could never happen to you.
We don’t understand the vows we make: Even though people recite their vows during the marriage ceremony, they are not really absorbing what they mean. We take our vows to mean “right now,” when really, they should mean forever.
We don’t anticipate change: Change is unavoidable in a couple, notes James. You will change, your partner will change, and so will your situation. As you grow and you establish your career or become more financially stable, your priorities will shift as well. What is important to you at the time you get married may not be as important 10 years down the road. Change is not a bad thing though. If you prepare for the changes and become aware when they are taking place, you can learn to adapt.
We don’t realize the affect that having children has: Deciding that you want to build a family is an exciting point in any relationship. Having children however, says James, puts a lot of stress on a couple. Now, your attention is no longer focused on one another, but instead on your children. There will definitely be added stress, and you will spend less time with you partner as a result. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t have children. But, make sure that you are prepared for this major addition.
We don’t have strong marriage role models: We see celebrities jumping from one relationship to the other. Celebrities seem to be obsessed with infatuation stage of a relationship. Once the novelty and passion in the relationship starts to settle, they move on to the next partner. Also, lot of people today come from homes of divorced parents. It is socially acceptable to get divorced, which may give many younger couples the idea that divorce is a quick solution to their problems, instead of working to fix them.
We don’t know how to nurture relationships: Nurturing a relationship and allowing it to grow is a learned skill, insists James. A lot of the time it depends on how you were raised and how you worked through problems in your own family. You can also learn to nurture a relationship through healthy communication and understanding each other’s needs.
If you are facing a problem or phase in your relationship that you hadn’t anticipated, or don’t feel you are able to handle on your own, don’t hesitate to contact a marriage counselor. A marriage therapist is trained to help you overcome times of trouble and reestablish you and your partner’s strong bond.
