Marriage counseling is no longer just for couples who have been together for years. According to Linda James, M. Ed, MS, a marriage and family therapist, more couples are coming to her before they even take their walk down the aisle.
In her Seattle office, James has met with plenty of couples who want to make positive changes to a few aspects of their relationship before they commit to each other for life. There are a few reasons why James says she sees more couples coming in to her office early on in their relationships.
More couples live together: It has become a social norm for couples to live together long before they make plans to marry. Many view living together as a precursor to what marriage will be like. But, the close quarters also magnify some of the problems in the relationship.
Desire to work out existing problems: Every relationship has its quarrels. More couples are looking to start their lives together with a clean slate, and they look to counselors, like James, to help smooth out any existing quarrels before they start their lives together.
Once in premarital counseling, James like to focus on a few key areas that she believes help prepare couples for a strong, lasting union.
Discussing your role: In every relationship, we seem to fall into certain roles. The important question is do you like the role you are currently in? Do you feel appreciated? This is a great opportunity for each partner to express the changes he would like to see made in the relationship and break himself of any routines he has fallen into.
Love languages: Everyone has their own love language, or way they communicate their adoration for their partner. There are five love languages — touch, gifts, words, acts of service and quality time — that all use different outlets for expressing love. Whether it is through gifts, massages, or compliments, knowing your partner’s love language can give you insight into the way he chooses to show his gratitude towards you.
Communication styles: Most people do not realize the way they sound when they speak towards others. If you have a negative tone to your voice, then that could easily set the pace for how the rest of the conversation is going to go. James works with couples to evaluate the way in which they speak to one another. Too often couple become so comfortable with each other that they begin speaking to each other abrasively without even realizing it.
James also encourages couples to stray away from making demands of one another. Instead, she says, make requests. Ask you partner for help with something as opposed to ordering him around.
Self-care: Even though you are now a part of a couple and are building a life with another person, James says it is still important to remember that you have to take care of your own needs as well. Don’t lose sight of what makes you happy, she urges. This also includes voicing your own opinions and making reasonable objections. It is okay to disagree with your partner every now and then, says James. The key to avoiding arguments is the way in which you approach the topic.
Additionally premarital counseling is a great way to prepare for the years ahead and the struggles they may bring. Since therapists have met with dozens of married couples, they can often offer great advice for how to handle the first years of marriage and how to emotionally prepare for starting a family.
