Some people may be hesitant to seek marriage counseling because of the stigma that surrounds talking to a professional about their problems. Others may be reluctant to admit that they have a problem at all.
A lot of couples view going to a marriage counselor as a dramatic point in their relationship, explains Linda James, M. Ed, MS, a marriage and family therapist in Seattle. To help ease some apprehension associated with counseling, James addresses some of the misguided statements that keep people from contacting her.
You only need counseling when you are about to get divorced.
If you seek a counselor before things get really bad, you can prevent having to even consider divorce. You shouldn’t wait until you and your partner have drifted so far apart, urges James. Most marital problems stem from poor communication, addressing issues now will help you immensely in the long run. What you discuss and learn in counseling, you can take with you and apply in the future.
I don’t want to have to keep going to counseling.
The amount of sessions you schedule with your therapist is left completely up to the couple. If after one session you feel it isn’t for you, then you can stop. Or, if after two months you notice a positive change in your relationship, you can start to space out your appointments. James typically recommends that when beginning marriage counseling a couple meets with her every week, or at least every other week.
There is no way counseling will solve our problems.
You owe it to your marriage, and your partner, to try and work on your problems productively. James says she often sees one partner being dragged in by the other. To help calm perspective client’s nerves about therapy, James often offers a free meeting where the couple will come in and instead of talking about their problems directly, they can ask her questions about her practice and her results. She also takes this time to get to know the couple too so that in future sessions she knows areas in their life they’d like to improve.
The therapist does not know what I am feeling.
Marriage therapy is about focusing on the couple. James starts each session with her patients by asking them what changes they would like to see, and if they have noticed any progress. She has found that this method keeps a couple from going over and over the same topics, and pinpoints particularly troublesome areas where more rigorous attention may be needed. Every couple has different problems, so James never assumes that every couple is the same. For some, it is finances are causing problems; other times it is jealousy issues.
I don’t need marriage counseling.
If one spouse in the relationship feels that there is a problem, then chances are there is. If James doesn’t feel that her services will be enough to help the couple, then she never hesitates to refer them to another specialist who she thinks will be better suited to help the pair. Sometimes, the couple may need to be referred to a drug or sex therapist who is more equipped to handle their particular situation.
