If you have never gone to a therapist before, then not knowing what to expect during that first session could be nerve-racking enough to keep you from picking up the phone to make an appointment. But, going to a therapist can help save your marriage, urges Linda James, M.Ed., M.S, a marriage and family therapist in Seattle. In an effort to calm some fears about what takes place during counseling, James gives a detailed account of how she conducts her first session with any new couple.
Deciding to seek marriage counseling is an important choice, explains James. Once you have found the therapist you feel is qualified and whom you are comfortable with, you should be able to walk into your first session feeling open to communication.
Before ever meeting with her clients for counseling, James encourages them to set up a phone consultation with her (other therapists may offer an in-office visit) to address any questions the couple may have. This gives both the couple and James the opportunity to become acquainted with one another, and for either spouse to ask any questions he may have before starting therapy. Often, one partner is dragging the other into the office, says James. So a therapist will try his best to make sure that both spouses are as comfortable as possible with the process. Being open to marriage counseling is a great first step towards making improvements.
The first session
When a couple arrives for their first session, they will begin by filling out the standard paperwork that you would find upon entering any new doctor’s office. James strives to keep the amount of paperwork brief, so that the session can be centered on communication rather than formalities.
Next, James asks each spouse to tell her why he feels he is her office, and what concerns him about the current state of their marriage. Each spouse will also be asked to describe what he hopes to achieve from coming to counseling. This question will be repeated at the beginning of each session to help both James and the couple gauge progress and note persistently troublesome areas.
During this first meeting, James also prefers to go over all of the stages of a marriage with the couple. Often people get married without knowing what to expect for their future. Each period of marriage, from the first year to starting a family and preparing for retirement, brings with it its own set of struggles and decisions. Determining what stage of marriage you are in can help pinpoint some problems that you are likely experiencing. As James often mentions to her patients, your wedding vows mean for life, not for just right now.
Before focusing on the specific areas of the relationship that the couple would like to see improved upon, James likes to delve further into the communication process that is experienced between the pair, by discussing the five love languages, which outline how each partner displays his affection and how he would like to receive love. Thoroughly understanding how your partner communicates his devotion can give you more insight on how much he really cares for you, and how you can, in turn, show your affection for him.
In addition to specific love languages, James also urges the couple to speak about their personal roles and responsibilities in the relationship. Often a couple does not understand the way that one another feels. Failure to continuous express your concerns and emotion about your marriage, and your satisfaction with your own place in the relationship, can lead to tension, regret and anger that adds to the amount of stress already in the relationship.
By the end of the first session, you should be able to target the main areas of your life and marriage that you would like to put your energy toward improving. At the end of nearly every session, James also gives her clients homework to complete before they visit her office again. One of her most popular assignments is a weekly date night. Each week the spouses will alternate setting up the date for the evening, whether it is making reservations, cooking a meal or getting concert tickets. This assignement gives the couple a chance to learn about one another’s interests while allowing the opportunity to do something nice for one another on a weekly basis.
