Most of the time, people believe that they should be the only ones to fix their marriage, explains Linda James, M.Ed., M.S, a marriage and family therapist. And, too often, James continues, she also finds that couples wait until arguments and stress have gotten so difficult to deal with that they are already contemplating divorce, before they admit they need help. But, it is never too early or too late to meet with a marriage counselor.
As a marriage and family therapist in Seattle, James has seen dozens of families and couples come into her office looking to make changes in their lives. With a little advice and guidance, most clients leave James’ office with a new sense of achievement and appreciation for their family. There are, however, occasions where certain factors have altered the course of treatment, and counseling is no longer as successful as it should be. Here, James outlines some factors that may get in the way of your progress.
- Addictions: An addiction is a negative way to reach happiness. The feeling you get from your addiction is only masked as pleasurable, and will not last. Soon, you will find that you need more and more of the substance or feeling to reach levels of enjoyment, until your cravings become a major part of your life. When you are a part of a marriage or family, your addiction not only hurts you, but those who love you as well. If addiction is suspected to be a problem, often a marriage therapist will refer you to another specialist who is qualified to help you cope with your dependence. If you are keeping your addiction a secret however, then it is directly affecting your ability to be honest and open with your partner, which is, again, the main focus of any counseling.
- Untreated depression: Sometimes biological factors are keeping you or your spouse from fully enjoying your marriage. If you find that you are always tired, moody, sad or sullen, then you may be suffering from depression. Depression is a treatable condition that affects millions of people, but it can be treated. Many times, once depression is addressed and alleviated, you will in effect see an improvement in your marriage as well. If you or your marriage therapist suspects depression may be an issue, a second therapist can be recommended who is better suited to be of service to you.
- An uncooperative spouse: Just like marriage, counseling can only be beneficial if both spouses are working at improving. You can’t sustain a marriage if one person is doing all the work, while the other sits to the side and tries to reap the benefits. While James does admit that usually one spouse who encourages the other to come to her office, if one spouse completely refuses to participate or open up, then counseling will be ineffective. Each spouse needs to give at least a little to see any improvement.
- Secrets: The key to a successful marital or family counseling session is open and honest communication. Therapy is your chance to express everything you have been feeling. If you are holding back or lying to your therapist and your loved ones, then you are jeopardizing its effectiveness. Marriage, and especially therapy, won’t work if you are consistently harboring unspoken feelings or desires.
- Negative attitude: It is no secret that counseling can help you achieve a new level of happiness, but only if you’re open to it. If you are working harder at convincing yourself that your therapist can’t help you at improving your marriage, then all of your misguided efforts will only work against you.
