Should You Stay Married for the Sake of Your Kids?

It’s a situation with which many couples are eventually faced. You’ve been married for a number of years, but somehow, the magic seems gone. You’re arguing all the time, it seems like you no longer have anything in common, and any attempts at communication result in heartache and frustration. In fact, if it weren’t for your children, you’d probably have zero motivation to stay together any longer. This scenario unfortunately describes many American households, but with divorce rates skyrocketing across the country, many couples are forcing themselves to power through the pain in order to avoid becoming part of such a sad statistic. The question then becomes: Is it a good idea to stay married simply for the sake of the kids?

According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, this is not only a bad idea, but one that is not even likely to work. By staying married only for the sake of the children involved, couples can run into the danger of having their kids become pawns or bargaining chips between the parents. Children in such intensely unhappy marriage situations can also easily find themselves thrown into the middle of arguments between the parents, forcing them to take sides or feel increasingly guilty about the situation at hand.

Many miserable couples intentionally avoid divorce and instead reside under the same roof in an attempt to create a sense of normalcy for their children. However, these seemingly good intentions tend to backfire. Instead of generating a warm, loving environment for the kids, the parents usually end up creating one that is hostile, complete with fighting, screaming, and possible resentment of the children for “forcing” them to stay together under such trying circumstances.

Therefore, if a couple were to ask Elliott Connie for advice on whether or not to stay together for the sake of the children, then Dr. Connie would try to help the parties realize that there might be other, better reasons to work to repair the marriage. As part of his practice of Solution Focused Therapy, Elliott Connie would try to get the people involved to focus on the positive aspects of staying together. If the couple can establish that there are, indeed, a number of good reasons to stay together aside from the kids factor, then Elliott Connie can work with the spouses to help them reach a point where they can better get along and eventually restore the marriage to one that is healthy.

According to Dr. Connie, the act of broaching the subject of staying together for the sake of the children is an indication that the couple involved wants to make the marriage work on some level. Therefore, despite the fact that he does not think that staying together just for the kids is a good idea, he is actually encouraged by the fact that the people involved are contemplating the notion. As self-sacrificing as some parents can be, there is a limit as to how much suffering most unhappy couples are willing to endure. By seeking the advice of a therapist as opposed to a divorce lawyer, the couple is showing signs that it believes that the marriage is worth saving. Once the willingness to tackle the problem is established, a therapist like Elliott Connie can come along to ask the right questions and get the couple moving in a more positive direction.

Sometimes, “couples therapy” is merely a matter of helping the parties think on a more simple level. Many spouses don’t realize that they actually have the power to facilitate harmonious living. Instead of walking around thinking “We argue too much,” spouses who want to work on their marriage should focus on what they would rather be doing, which is getting along and being happy with one another. With the proper attitude and line of thinking, a troubled couple can work to repair the marriage in order to create a domestic environment in which all members of the household can get along; and that, more than anything, is truly the best thing that parents can do for their children.