How to Fix a Relationship

When this article was originally suggested to Elliott Connie, MA, LPC, a marriage a family therapist in Texas, it was supposed to be “How You Know A Relationship is Over.” Dr. Connie switched it 180 degrees as he believes that with the proper work and motivation, all relationships are fixable:

I have been counseling and practicing therapy for many couples and families over quite a number of years. Throughout my time as a therapist, I have listened to many couples and helped them achieve their goals. There are two components that I have discovered about all relationships that convinced me that if the couple has these two elements, the relationship can be fixed with the right motivations and work.

A joyful past: Every single relationship at some point had a happy period when you enjoyed everything the two of you did together. You were enamored by your partner, interested in all the things he said and did and went above and beyond to do things to win him over.

When there is trouble between two people, deep down both parties in the relationship want to return to that joyful state they were once in. The question is then how to do it. As a solution-based therapist, I don’t ask useless questions like how we got here and the previous problems that may have led to a decline. I simply want to focus on that happy past and how to bring us back to that state. If you did it once before, then you can do it again.

I don’t ask about problems, I don’t try to diagnose what is wrong. That does not matter to me. That is not what I am about. If there was a happy past, which there almost always once was, then I ask about that past, what exactly happened during that time, what were you doing with each other that made it so happy and fulfilling.

I ask many questions and try to get a very detailed picture. Details are important. Small things go a long way in a relationship. We’ll have a sudden “breakthrough” when a wife might say, “He used to bring me coffee in morning.” Such a tiny gesture often means so much. It is these little things that define that joyful past. Once we have established a picture of what the happy past looked like, we can begin to work towards it.

Willingness to return: If every couple once had a joyful past, which most surely did otherwise why would they be together, the couples must have the willingness to work towards that previous emotional state through their communication and actions. I will ask then what could they begin to do that will start to return them on the road towards that happy state they once shared together.

So in this case, the man would say, “I’ll bring coffee her coffee again in the morning.” And I ask her how she would respond to this gesture. She will respond that she will say thank you for this small kindness. What we have here is an act of generosity, which leads to an act of appreciation. It seems minuscule compared to the type of problems people may have been dealing with when they walk into the door, but watch what happens as a result of those two tiny acts. They will build upon each other and open the relationship up to more small positive actions. People begin to notice themselves talking more, laughing more and things feeling generally better, which is the first step on the road to success. I think it is a myth that relationship can be totally broken beyond repair or that we need to return to the negative and talk about past to get over future hurdles.

Solutions are not necessarily related to the problems. We can achieve solutions by looking forward, envisioning the happy state that we know can exist and then doing the work necessary to return to the joyful past that all couples once shared.