Linda Miller-deBerard leads clients to relief from depression and anxiety leading from relationship issues through her practice, Confidential Care Professional Counseling, based in Colleyville, Texas. Here she discusses why we can feel alone even when we have friends, family and partners surrounding us – and what to do about it.
Even in good relationships, there are occasions when people can feel distant, misunderstood, alone, and unloved. Why would that happen? Initially we are attracted to people with whom we have an intrinsic comfort level. Something about them makes our unconscious brain recognize them as someone who can meet our needs.
Good Intentions
Partners usually have great intentions at the beginning of a relationship. They imagine that it will be natural to meet their partners’ needs because their partner so naturally meets their needs. Enter real life: There are bills to pay, dishes to wash, children to care for and jobs to be attended to.
None of us get taught how to communicate in relationships. So instead of being able to talk about what we need from one another, we interact in ways that cause our partner to react with either fight or flight. A safe dialogue is critical to continued understanding which leads to willingness to meet our partners’ needs.
A safe dialogue is one in which the messages are sent without criticism, blaming or shaming. The message is sent with the sender taking responsibility for his own feelings and thoughts.
Make Your Needs Known
When messages are sent in this way, your partner can hear and understand your needs without getting defensive. This will allow him to carry through in giving you what you need.
If you’re having difficulties practicing safe and effective communication, get coaching from a relationship professional. It’s never too late to save a relationship, save a marriage or simply make one better. And it’s never too late to work on becoming a happier person.
