Top 5 Celebrity Boob Jobs

Boobs. You’ve seen them on TV, on the big screen, or maybe even when you just close your eyes. And more times than not, you’ve wondered… Well, stop wondering because I’m here to chronicle the top five celebrity boob jobs with some expert reasoning as to why they are such. I’ve literally been looking at boobs all day.

Quick Notice of Etiquette

Looking at boobs that aren’t your significant others has always been frowned upon by society. There’s the eye catch, and then of course the eye roll, swiftly followed by the drooping of the head in shame and embarrassment. We’ve all done it, but why not analyze what’s really going on there. Boobs, or breasts, are some of nature’s most gorgeous and unapologetic sculptures; they provide life for struggling hungry babies and they also provide incentive (more on that later). So, why not flaunt your breasts, let the opposing sex enjoy them, and not be so darn protective. I mean hey, when life hands you lemons, you surgically implant those lemons into your chest cavity to make it look like your “thingies” are bigger.

With that said, here’s the list.

5. Jewel

Remember Jewel? She sang a song that sounded like this- “Who will shaaave your shoul?” It’s okay if you don’t remember, in fact, you’re better off forgetting that Jewel. Of course I’m talking about the old Jewel, the one who played at Lilith Fair, sang while playing acoustic guitar (on a stool no less), and looked like a middle school guidance counselor.

But that all changed when she released her album 0304, which ditched her former folky aspirations for a more dance-oriented sound. She also ditched her J Crew turtlenecks in favor of some neon, low-cut numbers, which displayed a couple aspects of Jewel that the world had never noticed before. It’s hard to tell if they actually got bigger since they were hidden behind an acoustic guitar and a cardigan sweater for so long, but this counts as a boob job regardless. Supposedly, her foray into pop music was a tongue-in-cheek assessment of the “celebutante” era. Who doesn’t like a good, ironic boob job? Satire can be wonderful, especially when it involves dressing like a prostitute!

4. Denise Richards

Recently on The Howard Stern Show, Richards confessed to having had three boob jobs over the course of her much respected career. That’s the kind of dedication that these young, lazy Youtube-generation actresses can learn from. In fact, this kind of dedication leads me to believe that Charlie Sheen was at fault for their divorce, seeing as how she’s certainly not a quitter. Agents and studio heads repeatedly kept telling her, “No one wants to see your breasts anymore. You’ve gotten too old. You’re a mother, for Christ’s sakes!” But she didn’t listen, ultimately keeping her career afloat with some serious “floatation devices”.

Thanks to her determination, she has maintained the respect that an MTV Movie Award winner deserves.

3. Heidi Montag

In many ways, Montag can credit her blossoming career to her blossoming chest. Before her breast augmentation, she was just another cast member of The Hills, the MTV equivalent of Seinfeld, in that the show was about absolutely nothing. While the rest of her fellow cast-mates faded into much-deserved obscurity, Montag fought the natural order of things by getting one of the least subtle boob jobs in recent history, ensuring herself some front page tabloid coverage.

But instead of marching straight down to the offices of Penthouse, Montag made a power move by marrying Spencer Pratt, an even bigger boob than the ones on her chest. By banking on America’s inherent love of boobs, Montag has etched out a nice little career for herself and her tit of a husband. Not only does she have her own fashion line, Heidiwood, but she’s releasing her debut album in September. Surely, this is proof that breast implants can make you sing better.

2. Pamela Anderson

Come on, you think we’re going to leave out Pam Anderson on a top 5 boob job countdown? She’s like the Wayne Gretzky of breast implants. She’s an old school girl (seriously, she’s pretty old) who still firmly believes in the motto, “the bigger, the better”. Naturally, in this new age of iPod nanos and baby Smart Cars, Anderson’s behemoths are nothing short of grotesque. But hey, we can’t all be cool and sarcastic and tiny like Juno.

Pam is out there letting women know that it’s okay to have big, ridiculously fake-looking breasts, a once popular look that has recently been under scrutiny. Well you know what, prejudice is a terrible thing. In fact, Pam is like a boob job civil rights leader. She’s like Rosa Parks. She’s like Rosa Parks and Wayne Gretzky but with really huge boobs. The proof, you ask? Back in 1999 she had breast reduction surgery to reduce the massive size of her implants. But shortly thereafter she got her breasts enlarged again. Those are morals, people. You have to respect that.