Ah, the art of litigation. One might be mislead into thinking that lawsuits are typically dry affairs, but this would neglect the millions of creative lawsuits that have been filed on everything from Skittles being too bright to beer not actually making women prettier. And while most of these cases are thrown out by the Judges, the real art is in the few that make it through the judicial system – and result in actual bank for the plaintiffs.
Pro wrester Brian Blair, left, settled out of court with the Carrabba Italian Grill for ruining his career when he fell over a tray of dirty dishes. But months after his supposed injury, Blair was back in the ring. - Steven Taylor | SP Times
HOT COFFEE, COLD HARD CASH
Perhaps one of the most famous cases of frivolous litigation was the 1994 lawsuit against McDonalds for brewing their java at dangerously hot temperatures which resulted in the injury of 84-year old woman Stella Liebeck. This led to a $640,000 payout to Liebeck and the case later became a “hot” topic for the debate about the rise of petty lawsuits in the early 90’s, and the ruling was so unexpected that McDonalds had previously denied multiple attempts to settle out of court, claiming they never expected to get in trouble for serving coffee “the way the customers like it.”
But at least one customer certainly didn’t like it, though after the victorious lawsuit you might imagine her saying “I’m lovin’ it.”
THE TIGHT-ROPE TIGHTWAD
You’d think a man who makes his living body-slamming half-naked men in the wrestling ring would be a pretty tough guy to take down, but according to Brian Blair – a once professional wrestler – a simple trip over some dishes at his local Italian restaurant in 2001 was enough to ruin his career. That’s right – a professional wrestler sued the Carrabba Italian Grill for ruining his career by leaving a tray of dirty dishes lying around.
“It knocked the dog do-do out of me,” Blair said in a deposition.
Now, it might be tempting to see things from this guy’s point of view – he made a living performing an extremely physical form of entertainment, and if he had indeed been incapacitated by the fall then he should be awarded punitive damages. But months after his supposed injury, Blair went on to compete in several more matches before finally retiring in 2002 – the same year he decided to make a run for public office.
Ultimately, the lawsuit was “amicably” settled out of court for an undisclosed sum of money and though he disappeared from the wrestling scene, sightings of the Blair Bitch roaming innocent Italian restaurants in search for stray dishes are still being reported to this day.
IT’S OVER 9000 CENTS!
While most of us associate lawsuits with roundabout ways at nabbing enormous quantities of money – some are all in it for the principle of the thing. This is the case with Canadian border guard Yves Julien who in December of 2003 filed a lawsuit against the border patrol for not reimbursing him on a $9 sandwich he paid for while working overtime. Though he was receiving the standard one-and-a-half pay for working overtime, Julien argued that the lack of money for meals was unfair. So he did the thing any normal person suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder would do – he decided to take his battle to the courts.
The lawsuit spanned the course of five years and included numerous rulings, counter-rulings, counter-counter rulings and etc ad infinitum before he was finally awarded his $9. Julien then proceeded to celebrate the victorious outcome of his 5-year-long battle by using the money to buy a six-pack of Labatt Bleu to drink alone and friendless in his darkened apartment.
MAJORLY MINOR IRRITANT
Some of us may remember Ed McMahon as the once lovable sidekick on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, but he’s largely shed that image with a string of lawsuits that has reaped big rewards for the financially-challenged entertainer. In addition to being sued for not paying his divorce attorney, McMahon has been known for his hobby of dishing out lawsuits himself, the most frivolous of which was against his home insurer over some mold that he blamed for contributing to the death of his beloved dog.
At the time of the lawsuit, a serious hysteria had swept the delicate residents of Beverly Hills over the concern that a once minorly-irritating mold had mutated into something toxic. And despite the fact that the Center for Disease Control dispelled this myth, McMahon walked away with an astronomical $7 million dollar payout.
In the end, the only thing found irritating was the whiny residents of Beverly Hills.
HOT COFFEE PART 2
Okay – despite the name that has come to be associated with this particular frivolous lawsuit, it has nothing to do with hot coffee, burns or McDonalds. It refers of course to the now infamous lawsuit against Rockstar Entertainment over the inclusion of hidden pornographic content in their blockbuster videogame Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Though the content was disabled in the game itself, and only accessible by hacking the software, eager opportunistic lawyers and politicians jumped on the outrage bandwagon to point fingers at everyone from the ESRB (responsible for rating games) to the Federal Trade Commission and of course Rockstar itself.
The controversy surrounding the content at one point became so heated that it was nicknamed “Hot Coffeegate.” And of course where there’s controversy, there’s class-action lawsuits – as filed by 85-year old Florence Cohen who bought the game for her 14-year old grandson, despite him being well below the recommended age-limit as set by the ESRB.
The lawsuit eventually led to Rockstar recalling the game from all shelves until a cleaner version could be shipped in addition to offering a $35 dollar refund to anybody who wanted it. However, one has to wonder how many of us would have even known about the content had there not been all this hoopla, and in an age where checking out porn is as common as checking our email, do we really need to waste our time on a pixilated penis?
I doubt it.
Anyway, I guess the lesson learnt is that due to the miracle of the modern judicial system, inside every person, tree, flower and blade of grass is a lawsuit waiting to happen. It’s just up to you to find it.
