Whether you’ve been married for a couple of months or a couple of years, at some point down the line, you’re likely to start getting baby fever. Having children is possibly the biggest step that a couple is likely to take over the course of a marriage. With a new baby, comes newfound responsibility and change, from logistical to financial. Therefore, it is a decision for which both members of the couple must be adequately prepared.
Unfortunately, it is not always the case that two people completely agree on the timing of having children. Even in the healthiest of marriages, it is easy to have a situation in which one spouse is ready to have a baby, but the other wants to wait. While the spouses involved can sometimes come away from this type of disagreement with their marriage unscathed, the tension inherent in such a conflict can often take a toll on the marriage. Rather than allow a disparity in readiness to bear children create a hostile or unhappy home environment, spouses involved in this particular situation should tackle it productively.
Elliott Connie is a licensed professional counselor who has helped couples work through all sorts of conflicts and situations. According to Dr. Connie, this type of scenario can easily be worked through in a way that will not compromise the stability of the marriage in question. In order to help a couple under these circumstances, Dr. Connie would ask both members involved where they would like be in terms of their collective life and their marriage. The spouses will probably offer varying answers for the present along the lines of “I want a baby” versus “I want to wait.” However, assuming that the idea of having children in general was discussed and agreed prior to the marriage, then the answer for the future should be the same — that both spouses want to raise children and have a family. Dr. Connie’s objective in asking these rather simple questions is to help people realize that they do, after all, share a common goal — to be happy. Furthermore, both spouses involved in the conflict even share the same idea as to what constitutes happiness — a family, complete with children. Once these premises are established, it simply becomes a matter of compromising on the issue at hand and working together to keep the peace for the present.
Rather than sit back and allow the conflict to build as the result of one spouse being ready to have children but the other spouse feeling the opposite, it is a wise to seek the help of a professional who is experienced in helping couples work through clashes. Problem solving often times comes down to proper communication, and it sometimes takes an outside person who is not emotionally involved in the situation to set the framework for the proper types of conversations. A good therapist will not take sides, nor will he try to convince either person to change his mind about the issue at hand; that simply isn’t the therapist’s job or place. Instead, a therapist – especially one such as Elliott Connie who believes in Solution Focused Therapy – will help turn painful arguments into constructive conversations. After all, it’s not that most couples are incapable of communicating; it’s that sometimes people just need a push to stop the arguing and instead start talking differently about the situation.
By focusing on the positive instead of the negative, couples can reach the point where productivity takes the place of conflict in their lives. In the case of one spouse feeling ready for a baby with the other spouse wanting to wait, the underlying and eventual goal is the exactly the same. Once both parties realize this, the only thing left to do is to work backwards from that goal to reach a solution that works for the time being. And with the right kind of communication, that solution will become one that is easily within reach.
