As you search for your soul mate, you might one day come to the same realization that’s been known to smack many a hopeless romantic upside the head: nobody’s perfect. While some love-seekers know well enough to regulate their expectations in order to set a reasonable standard, certain people have a hard time finding a true match because they expect to adore every single detail about their potential partners. When people who fall under the latter category fail to encounter a perfect mate, they may eventually lower their standards in order to accommodate romantic partners who might just be “good enough.” In other words, they agree to settle.
Settling is something that people tend to do once they become truly frustrated with the dating or failed relationship scene. Often, there is a direct correlation between age and one’s likelihood of settling, as certain biological aspects of mating come into play to dump an added dose of pressure into the mix. Of course, the question then arises: From a relationship standpoint, is it a bad idea to settle?
According to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, many people fail to realize that there is a difference between settling and accepting people for who they are. If you’re a homebody, but your girlfriend insists on having more nights out than in, then that’s something that you can work with despite the fact that you might have different ideas as to what constitutes a night of fun. Also, remember that you are both going to evolve over time, and during the course of your lives, your priorities and tastes might change. By accepting the fact that your potential partner will probably insist on the regular night out on the town, you’ll be giving yourself a chance to see where your relationship will take you as far as that issue is concerned. There’s a good chance that under more committed circumstances, you’ll eventually reach a happy medium that works well for both of you.
In order to help yourself strike that essential balance between settling and acceptance, it’s important to understand the difference between a nuisance, an issue, and a deal breaker. A nuisance is the fact that your new man leaves his dirty socks on the floor rather than stashing them in a hamper. An issue is the fact that your guy tends to make excuses to avoid doing laundry altogether, leaving you to pick up the slack. A deal breaker, however, could be the fact that your potential partner believes that the role of a woman in a marriage is to serve her husband by staying home, tending to the household, and becoming a baby factory. Unless you happen to feel the same way, the latter situation describes a core fundamental difference in his expectations of your role in a marriage versus your own anticipations. However, to get hung up on that first scenario where your guy is careless about his socks could mean depriving yourself of an otherwise good situation. Even the middle scenario is, in the grand scheme of a marriage, not something that can’t be easily overcome.
Of course, once you’ve established your own set of deal breakers, you might become tempted to go against those rules in the event that someone new comes along to sweep you off your feet. In this case, it is important to remind yourself why you set certain parameters in the first place so that you don’t end up settling for a relationship that fails to satisfy your core goals and beliefs. A common example is the “kids or no kids” debate. If you want children and you’ve established that “doesn’t want kids” is something that falls under your deal-breaker category, then you’ll need to think long and hard before you agree to compromise on that factor. It’s easy to sell yourself on all of the other good qualities that your potential partner possesses, but if he doesn’t want children and you do, then that could become a true problem down the line. Remember, one component of a successful relationship is a shared vision about the future. If the place you want to be down the line involves a large family with children, then this person probably isn’t going to get you there.
By holding your potential partner to the standard of being perfect, you’re putting a lot of pressure on both that person and yourself by having unrealistic expectations. Instead of being unyielding when it comes to your potential mate’s bothersome habits or personality flaws, consider doing a more thorough analysis of your own needs to determine if the drawbacks to the new person in your life are nuisances, issues, or, indeed, deal breakers. As long as you share the same set of core values, hopes, and expectations, your relationship – thought it may not be perfect – still has the opportunity to succeed and bring happiness to you and your partner. The next time you think about settling, consider one thing: Under the right circumstances, settling shouldn’t actually feel like settling at all.
