Discipline and encouragement are two key components of parenting. Most people tend to assume that the two concepts are mutually-exclusive actions that cannot at all overlap. However, according to licensed professional counselor Elliott Connie, when it comes to parenting, discipline and encouragement can easily go hand in hand.
The interesting thing about parents is that they tend to force themselves into momentary roles such as “disciplinarian” or “admirer” in order to do their jobs as parents. The reality is that parents can take on multiple roles when it comes to addressing situations in which their children have acted out of place, and by doing so, they can work to send a more positive message overall.
Generally speaking, it is important for parents to remember that their goal is to raise children who are well-behaved, well-adjusted, and successful in one way or another. Children develop personalities from the day that they’re born, and it’s up to parents to help them develop their strengths and then watch them blossom. If a child becomes aware that a parent is observing him for the purpose of catching him doing something well, then it changes that child in a positive way. Therefore, if a child needs to be reprimanded as the result of a given incident, then it’s important for his parents to convey the message that they are not only observing this event from a negative angle, but that they are also seeking out the positive.
If a child is caught talking back to a teacher at school, then his parents’ initial inclination is probably to scold the child for talking back to the teacher, issue some sort of punishment, and leave it at that. However, in this situation, there’s still a positive for the parents to observe and recognize; the fact that the child had the courage and skills needed to communicate his dissatisfaction with the teacher at the time. It might seem like a stretch to find that silver lining, but when it comes to parenting, there’s nothing wrong with that. The more parents focus on the positives, the more children are likely to flourish behaviorally, mentally, and emotionally. For this reason, Elliott Connie always likes to remind parents that they should discipline their children with a strength-focused approach. While a parent might have to act as a disciplinarian from time to time, he should also strive to highlight the good in any given situation relating to his child. Eventually, the child will come to recognize and appreciate the fact that he is doing just that.
But isn’t it rather hypocritical for a parent to reprimand a child while simultaneously praising his actions? According to Dr. Connie, any given situation can be broken down into positives and negatives, and each aspect should be addressed accordingly.
Let’s take a child who gets in trouble at school for doodling during class. Obviously, this child’s parents need to discipline him and emphasize the fact that drawing during class is rude and simply not allowed. However, perhaps there’s a silver lining to this scenario in the form of the child’s doodles actually showing some sort of artistic promise. An open-minded parent will be able to filter out the positive and recognize her child’s talent, despite the fact that he chose to cultivate it during class. Therefore, the parent can explain that doodling during class is wrong (the “negative”) and even punish the child accordingly, but compliment his knack for drawing (the “positive”) at the same time. In this type of situation, it’s important for the parent to explain that she is not punishing her child for pursuing his artistic skills, but rather, she is punishing him for his inappropriate timing. In this scenario, the child is likely to come away understanding what he did but feeling encouraged about his talents.
In any given situation, the goal of a parent should be to enable his child to eventually grow into a happy, successful person. By making it clear to their child that they are constantly watching him not only to be able to criticize their child, but to see what he can achieve, parents will send the message that they are truly on his side – a fact that is sure to positively impact their child, possibly for the rest of his life.
