Gay Counseling: Advice for Your Homosexual Relationship

Elliott Connie, MA, LPC, a marriage therapist who has his own practice, helps many couples achieve their goals. He has seen countless straight and gay couples and in this article offers advice for those who are currently in a homosexual relationship.

Are there any major differences between straight and gay relationships?

Besides for the obvious differences, from my experience and from what I know about human nature, there is actually very little difference in these relationships when it comes to making them fulfilling, rewarding and exciting. A relationship is a relationship, regardless of orientation. Everyone in life pretty much has the same or similar goals: We all hope to be together for a long and rewarding lifetime, and (often) wish to have children or whatever other thing we talked and dreamed about when the relationship first began.

In Texas, where I practice, gay couples still cannot get married, but in Massachusetts, where I grew up, they can. That’s all politics. While it does have major ramification, such as hospital visitations and medical insurance coverage, the important thing is not the marriage license, but the commitment to love, respect and work everyday on making your relationship better.

When I counsel a gay couple, I ask them the exact same questions and give them the exact same advice as I would a straight couple: What would you like the marriage to look like? What has to be done to create that? Now let’s do the work to make that happen. It’s that simple.

People often say that the biggest three relationship problems are money, sex and communication. These issues are just as likely to arise in gay and straight couples alike.

Do you see any difference in male couples and female couples?

I have found that two men are less likely to seek therapy than two women. I am not sure of the exact reason of this, but men are often less likely to seek therapy as a whole. Men are also not by nature talkers like women are, so they are less likely to go to a therapist, who is essentially a professional talker.

Regardless, couples that involve two men, two women or a woman and a man, all have same dynamic going if they come to a therapist for advice. They want something to change or to be a little better in their relationship and I help them to work together to create that difference. I don’t care about previous problems or the reason they came into my office. I want to focus on solutions and the steps it will take to achieve these results.

Is it harder for same sex couples since they may face discrimination?

As an African American, I have dealt with discrimination many times. When anyone is faced with discrimination, be it because of their race, sexual orientation or class, it is really important for that individual to know who they are. When someone calls you something or tells you something negative about yourself or tries to tell you what you can or cannot do, it’s important to know yourself. Don’t believe their hate and let the words bounce off. Even if you are gay in a state that still discriminates legally based upon your orientation, nothing is stopping you from putting a ring on your loved ones finger, having a ceremony with your family and friends, committing to one another and loving them until your dying day.

Can same sex couples raise good children?

I think it is very possible for same sex couples to raise happy healthy children just as any straight family is able to. They will face the same challenges as all couples do when a third person is brought into the relationship. But again, the key is to always be open and honest and trusting and working on communication.

While I do I agree that male and female roles model are important to the upbringing of a child, who says that that role model has to be from within the house? We all need role models but it doesn’t necessarily have to come from within the family. Role models often come from outside, be they teachers, coaches, or neighbors.