We all have heard that communication is the essential ingredient to make any sort of relationship work. Elliott Connie, MA, LPC, a marriage therapist who has his own practice, explains that while we are always communicating, it is simply in how we do it that makes all the difference.
Communication:
We are always communication with each other. The key is noticing when you are communicating with your partner and how you are communicating. If you are truly trying to repair or improve a relationship, you must focus on noticing your communication and on improving it. This is easier than it sounds. If you notice the times you communicate well, that will build upon itself. Like any practice or training, you will increase your ability to communicate well, and you will communicate more often and in ways that encourage your partner to reciprocate that.
Everyone is always in communication. When you are together with someone, you are in a constant state of communication. Even if someone is entirely shut down and silent, he is still “telling” you things about himself. The trick is noticing the communication and understanding it. Sometimes communication is not verbal. Sometimes you say something by saying nothing at all. A grunt, someone ignoring someone else or the silent treatment are all forms of communication, albeit negative ones. When there is a positive back and forth with your partner, the trick is to notice that and work to make it better. An example: A man tells his wife how his day is and the wife is listening, but perhaps she has something important she wants to say about her day too. The man should notice her silence and ask her about her day and listen to what his wife wants to get off her chest because his passive participation in the communication will make her feel better and improve the communication overall.
Why might some people not communicate well with each other?
The reason for people not communicating well with each other is that often people don’t feel like they are being heard or that their viewpoint is being respected. Communication can also be strained when one party brings up a particularly sore subject that the other partner does not feel like talking about right now. While there are never any topics in a relationship that should not be talked about at some point, the key is for partners to notice when they are opening up and communicating well with each other. “I’m not willing to talk about that right now,” is an open statement about the thing which you’re not willing talk about. When one pays attention to what he is doing and saying, and he is looking to improve himself, the things he does not do or say will go away.
Are there ever topics that should not be talked about?
No.
What about past sexual exploits?
Many people have different opinions about discussing their past sexual exploits. Discussing or not discussing this can build or destroy trust, depending on how this subject is communicated. It is a completely individual thing that varies with every relationship. Each relationship is like a snowflake. They all have many things similar about them, but each one is unique. Partners must communicate what they do or not want to discuss with each other and why. Broaching a potentially explosive subject together can be an opportunity to establish trust and understanding rather than damaging these essential relationship ingredients.
