When someone you love dies, the last thing you want to think about is planning their funeral. Unfortunately, most of us will have to carry out that difficult emotional and financial task at least once in our lives. While funeral planning can be tinged by deep sadness and sorrow, there are ways to make finalizing the arrangements just that little bit easier.
Remember that it’s important to take the wishes of the deceased into account, as well as the wishes of their surviving family. However, all too often family squabbles erupt over something that should be relatively straightforward. Avoid bickering by getting everyone together to discuss the planning as much as possible, and by talking in depth about religious preferences, if any, and monetary restrictions (if any!).
While it may not be possible to put the “fun” in funeral, hopefully this guide can help make planning that final send-off as trauma-free as possible - for you and all the friends and family involved.
Basic First Steps
When someone passes on, the obvious first step is to consult their will. Did they leave specific arrangements about their funeral, did they specify whether they wanted to be buried or cremated, did they leave instructions concerning the type of eulogy they wanted read out in front of friends, family and colleagues? Unfortunately, most people don’t leave a detailed list, so much of the work ahead will be up to you.
Once you have checked your loved one’s will, it’s up to you to inform the loved one’s associates of their demise (this is something they cannot do for themselves, no matter how much they’ve planned in advance!). You will also to contact their insurance company, doctor, cemetery or crematorium, and any other organizations of which they were a member. You may also have to take emergency steps to take care of pets, water plants etc.
Once the basics are taken care of, it’s time to start planning for the funeral itself….
Funeral Preparation Overview
- Plan a budget. Your choices will be limited according to how much you are willing to pay for the funeral itself. Remember, though, that price doesn’t dictate everything: a cheap, outdoor burial in a designated woodland site with a picnic for friends and family afterwards might be the least expensive way to see them off – and also the nicest.
- Choose a funeral director. Many people advocate shopping around to get the best price and service. While in some cases this is good advice, people often choose a funeral home that is local, which has carried out funerals for members of their family before, and which has a sparkling reputation. Meet with them to see if you feel comfortable with what they offer.
- Decide on a service. Your loved one may have already left implicit instructions about what they want. If not, it’s up to you to choose something based on the type of person they were. Would they prefer a military funeral, a large ceremony, one that is traditional, a wild and wacky affair or one with a strictly religious theme? If the latter is the case, then meeting with a religious leader can also help you decide how you wish to proceed.
- Determine where the final resting place will be. Would your loved one prefer to be cremated, buried, or have their body left to science? If cremation is the way to go, what will you do with the ashes?
- Make final preparations. This means getting together a guest list, choosing a date and time, and inviting all the guests. It also means:
- Choosing flowers for the funeral. Wildflowers are also an option if a green burial is preferred.
- Choosing the music. While some people prefer hymns and other religious music, there is no need to limit yourself. If your loved one lived for ABBA, why not have an ABBA medley playing as the coffin is brought in?
- Choosing a casket or urn.
- Making funeral car arrangements.
- Picking an outfit for the deceased to wear, if there is to be an open wake.
- Choosing pallbearers, people to give readings, ushers etc. These can be family, friends or even business associates and colleagues of the deceased.
- Arranging for obituaries - you can write one yourself, ask someone to do it for you, or provide information to your local newspaper.
- Designating specific charities if people want to make donations.
- Planning refreshments, which can mean booking a restaurant, making food or hiring caterers.
- Buying a guest book, if one is not provided at the funeral home.
- Arranging for childcare for young guests onsite etc.
Practical Online Advice
Many websites offer practical advice to planning a funeral. Here are some of the best:
- Funeral Planning 101 (www.funeralplanning101.com). Provides loads of helpful wisdom about everything from flower arranging to funeral etiquette, and even includes a handy Funeral Planning Checklist. Can talk you through the steps of planning a funeral for someone who’s already deceased, for someone who is terminally ill, and even for yourself.
- Funeralplan.com (www.funeralplan.com). Bills itself as a “free consumer information and education resource on funeral planning, financing funerals, funeral products and services, and grief support and counseling.” Even allows those grieving for the deceased to post online obituaries, and has its own funeral home locater.
- Funerals with Love (www.funeralswithlove.com). Offers two downloadable books. Eulogy to Remember promises that viewers will be able to write “a eulogy you’ll be proud of … in 5 simple steps”. Saying Goodbye with Love is a step-by-step guide to planning the final farewell.
- The Final Arrangements Network (www.finalarrangementsnetwork.com) is a comprehensive site that helps you do everything from arranging a living will to selling a funeral plot to pre-planning the funeral home service. Includes instructions on how to buy a cheap burial vault and how to save up to 70 percent on the cost of a casket.
- The Funeral Site (www.thefuneralsite.com). Funky and informative, gives non-traditional alternatives to burials such as cryonic preservation, resomation (dissolving a body down to its original chemical components) and donating a body to science. Also gives advice on burials at sea, both full and cremated remains, and can even put you in touch with companies that will preserve your DNA after you’re gone.
Planning a funeral is rarely a jolly affair (unless your hated Great Aunt Mabel died and left you $4 million tax-free and a luxury yacht). But with a little help and some practical advice, planning a loved one’s final send-off shouldn’t be as horrid as you imagined it would be. And if you do it right, it may even leave with a lasting, happy memory of a life well spent.
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