The Most Incompetent Lawyers in Recent History

If you’ve been on trial (and I know you have, you neighborhood ruffians), then you’ve probably been under the assumption that your lawyer knows what’s best. Hell, they went to law school, they have nice fancy offices, and they even have TV advertisements where they point at the camera and shout things like, “Have you been wronged!” and “Not on my watch!” I mean, they’re on TV (which practically makes them celebrities) while you’re out there throwing rocks at your ex-girlfriend’s house (hypothetically, of course). Surely they know what they’re doing. Right? WRONG! I present you with exhibit A:

A. The “highly” stupid defense

In West Chester, Pennsylvania, a one Michael Kerns got the entrepreneurial itch, deciding that he would grow marijuana at the family home and, oh I don’t know, sell it. Not only was he growing the plant in question in the basement under heat lamps, but also outside in the garden (a cash crop indeed), even displaying a few potted plants on the patio. When Sgt. Gene Babetski rolled up on the scene, Kerns knew something was awry (probably because he heard a car pull up and it wasn’t blaring Dave Matthews Band). When all was said and done, Babetski had reported at least 34 marijuana plants in plain sight (not to mention the basement) and Kerns was in custody. Here’s a dumbass in need of a good lawyer.

Enter defense attorney Terrence Marlowe. Off to a good start already- he sounds like a British Parliamentary figure, and everybody knows those guys were smart. Here’s an excerpt from his defense:

“My client is a man who does everything intensely… When he started bodybuilding, he did so intensely. When he wanted to grow his hair long, he did so intensely. And when he decided to begin growing marijuana at the family home, he did so with an intensity that resulted in dozens and dozens of plants across the property, inside and out.”

Ah, the age old “intensity defense”. I think Jeffry Dahmer’s lawyer used the same defense, proclaiming, “My client killed and ate people with extreme intensity.” But how would Marlow get his client off the hook for intent to sell, especially after the police searched the home and confiscated bags of marijuana, scales to weigh marijuana, and a safe in Kern’s room containing $15,595? No problem. Marlowe would go on to contest that Kerns was merely growing the plant for personal use and explained the excess cash by claiming that his client had always hated banks, and would therefore save money from his paychecks (I’m assuming from Papa Johns?) to later invest in the stock market. Hmm… let’s just hope the inmates at Chester County Prison don’t like to beat and molest intensely.

Boy, those guys were stupid, weren’t they? But with all the stupid defendants out there, there’s bound to be some jackass prosecutors. Literally. I present you with exhibit B:

B. Jackasses all around

Sometimes you can judge the incompetence, perhaps desperation, of a lawyer simply by the case he or she chooses to represent. This could not be truer than in the case of Montana resident Bob Craft, who legally changed his name to Jack Ass in 1997. Why, one might ask. Mr. Ass explains that he made the difficult decision to change his name in order to raise awareness about the dangers of drunken driving (naturally) after his brother and a friend were killed in a single car accident. I suppose the name My Brother And Friend Were Killed In a Single Car Accident was already taken.

The courts come into play when Ass hired a lawyer in an attempt to sue Viacom (the parent company that owns MTV), claiming that the MTV show Jackass had plagiarized his name, infringed on the trademark and copyright of said name, and best of all, defamed his good character. Besides, he was only asking for a reasonable sum of TEN MILLION DOLLARS in damages. Clearly the adventurous hijinks of the Jackass boys rubbed Jack Ass the wrong way, as their careless skylarking undid everything Mr. Ass stood for, such as making good decisions in life that are in no way brash or stupid. Unfortunately, Ass’s lawyer could not get the job done, which is a shame because I think Mr. Ass could’ve made a show on MTV that would’ve surpassed the popularity of that other phony Jackass; a show in which he would constantly remind the audience of his dead brother and friend.

Now don’t go thinking only small-town lawyers are idiots. Let’s take it to Washington! Exhibit C, work your magic:

C. U.S. Department of Justice subbed out?

Federal judge Emmett G. Sullivan would be quoted as saying the prosecution in Alaskan senator Ted Stevens’ trial was the worst case of prosecutorial misconduct he had ever seen. I’m not kidding, this guy was pissed. So pissed that he initiated a criminal contempt investigation of six members of the prosecution. But what for? Apparently, the prosecution team was withholding exculpatory evidence that would’ve favored Stevens, who was on trial for not properly reporting gifts (in the form of repairs to his house) and then making false statements about said gifts.

The straw that broke the camel’s back would be an undocumented interview with Bill Allen (the prosecution’s star witness) that surfaced midway through the trial. Within it, Allen makes several statements contradictory to his testimony in court, primarily the fair-market value of the repairs to Stevens’ house, which were significantly less than he led on under oath. I always suspected Stevens was innocent because if he was guilty, he would’ve surely escaped through the internet, which Stevens has quoted as being, “a series of tubes”. And just like that, Attorney General Eric Holder replaced the entire trial team, subbing them out like it was a game of pick-up basketball.

Oh, but that’s not all. During the same time period, Judge Sullivan was also presiding over the case of Ayman Batarfi, a Guantanamo Bay detainee challenging his detention. Unfortunately for the government, it turns out that their case against Batarfi relied heavily on the testimony of another Guantanamo detainee, who was later found out to have received repeated psychiatric treatment, calling his credibility into question. And of all of this on Sullivan’s watch, who just sat there like an angry father watching his dumbass kid sneak back into the house at 4 A.M.

And finally, exhibit D:

D. Don’t try this at home

I know it’s a movie, but Double Jeopardy offers some interesting legal advice. And I think we can trust Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones because they’re famous. Plus, who could forget all the academy awards the film was nominated for (none). So remember, if your husband sets you up by faking his own death and making it look like you murdered him, it’s okay to make parole, track him down, and then actually murder him because of the double jeopardy clause in the Fifth Amendment.

But in reality, this is untrue, according to Harvard professor (impressive!) Alan Dershowitz. He claims that double jeopardy only prevents someone from being put on trial for the same set of facts twice. So in Ashley Judd’s case, the first fake killing and the second real killing would constitute two different crimes. But who gave Judd the faulty legal advice in the first place!? Oh wait, it was one of her older, wiser fellow inmates. Remember folks, if you’re in the slammer, don’t take legal advice from someone who’s been in there longer than you have.

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