Stretch Hummer Limos: Luxury Need Not Make Apologies

What’s the best way to show people that you have a lot of friends and love to party, while also letting people know that you hate the environment? If you guessed the Republican National Convention, you were wrong. If you guessed a Styrofoam and hairspray field party, you were also wrong. The correct answer: stretch Hummer limo.

What is it?

Due to a lack of partying on behalf of the U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, the stretch Hummer limo has been more successful on American soil (and by soil, I mean paved roads). Generally speaking, most stretch Hummer limousines are converted H2 Hummers, usually equipped with the same engine as a stock H2 Hummer. They get approximately three miles per gallon, which may mean you’ll have to make several pit stops for gas, but who cares? That’s the driver’s problem. You’ll be partying in the back the whole time. And actually, an abundance of pit stops may be a good thing, as you can fill up on “munchies” and necessary “chasers”.

Stretch Hummer limos vary from state to state (yes, there are Hummer limousine companies located in every state), as well as from rental service to rental service. The average seating capacity seems to be somewhere between 14 and 18 people (the capacity most likely varies depending on how many smoke machines you want in the back). Also, stretch Hummer limos are offered in a variety of different colors, ranging from the standard black, silver, and white to the more exotic “tiger” and “zebra” patterned exteriors, which will really accent the party animal in you (that animal being either a tiger or a zebra, of course).

Who needs it?

The idea that anyone needs to ride around in an eighteen-seater stretch Hummer limousine is a bit ridiculous. However, if you’re rolling with a decent-sized crew, or posse (like the boys on the hit HBO series Posse), you may find the large, lavish interiors of the stretch Hummer limo extremely convenient. Basically, a stretch Hummer limo may not be for you if you don’t have more than thirteen friends.

Stretch Hummer limos are ideal for proms and homecomings, weddings, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, corporate events, birthdays, or just a night barhopping out on the town. And according to A1 Luxury Limousine of South Florida, stretch Hummer limos are perfect for airport transfers. That’s right, if you’re scrambling to catch your connecting flight, nothing says speed and efficiency more than a Hummer limousine! That is, of course, assuming that it doesn’t run out of gas.

Benefits

Like any form of limousine or town car, the primary benefit is to be able to travel with a large group of people (therefore avoiding the panic of getting lost by way of slurred and incoherent directions), while simultaneously getting hammered with that aforementioned group of people. There’s no need to sober up, leaving your inhibitions lowered so that you can call as many of your ex-girlfriends as you want!

However, what sets the stretch Hummer limo apart from its dinky competitors are the extravagant amount of amenities included. While these vary from Hummer to Hummer, standard amenities include: somewhere between four and seven TV’s, strobe lights, neon lights, laser light shows, hardwood floors (my apartment doesn’t even have hardwood floors), wooded bar coves, leopard-print interior, stainless steel and marble finishing, stereo system with sub woofers, DVD players, IPod docks, and of course, glass-topped pull out trays. Unfortunately, amenities don’t include actual friends to hang out with, so you’ll have to find those on your own time.

Risks

First of all, the huge buzz kill is that most stretch Hummer limo services do not supply alcohol. So, similar to high school parties from the days of yore, it’s BYOB. You should also know that stretch Hummer limos are generally more costly than your standard stretch limo, obviously because of the abundance of amenities. However, you may be able to get a deal if you want to hire one for the entire day, therefore avoiding high overage charges. Otherwise, you may have to pay by the hour, or pay per person (which can range from $30 to $50 a body).

But, the biggest risk of all is the mass amount of people silently judging you as you cruise and party down the boulevard. Maybe they think you’re the reason why the economy has tanked. Maybe they hold you responsible for the deteriorating environment. Hell, maybe they’re just jealous because you’re drunk and hanging out with a group of friends while watching a movie and listening to music on the way to the club. Just know, people will probably hate you, unless you’re famous.

THE BOTTOM LINE

There’s really no feasible reason why anyone should rent a stretch Hummer limo. That being said, they’re pretty kickass.

If you are considering limo service, check out the following links to find specialists in your area:

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